


Lines Like Knives

by Analphancones



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Cheating, Cutting, Heavy Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-26
Updated: 2016-08-26
Packaged: 2018-08-11 03:09:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7873843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Analphancones/pseuds/Analphancones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan found Phil was cheating on him, and here he relives his worst and best memories with Phil as he's attempting suicide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lines Like Knives

**Author's Note:**

> Yo this is so sad and I'm not sorry

I wish I could say I was better off without you, I wish I could say I wasn't in so much pain. I wish I could say my wrist wasn’t bleeding, that my lungs weren't sore, that my skin wasn’t painted red. I can taste your kiss pressed against my lips, but in my head I hear your burning words, the awful things you’d said. I can’t forget the bad memories but unfortunately I can't forget the good ones either.

  
I remember resting on top of your chest, I remember sitting in your lap after the anxiety had hit. I remember the way your finger tips gentle dances over my skin, my wrist, my arms, my back when we hugged. The way your gentle lips kissed my wrist, and now the only thing that seems to resemble your touch is the blade I keep under my pillow. I remember your breath against my skin, whispering sweet things to me under your breath, our fingers laced together.  
I remember when you stopped touching me like that. I remeber when your affection started to go away from me, your kisses, not for me, your hugs not for me, your love? Not for me anymore. I remember the first night I caught you with him. The look of shock as if I’d never find out. I fucking knew. I was just to hurt to admit it.

“Dan!” You shouted, looking at me with panic, standing up and starting to get dressed, rushing out the room to talk with me. “Dan it’s not what it looks like.” he tried.

“How long..” I asked, my voice was weak I was choking up with tears and I was trying so hard not to cry, not to look weak in front of you.

“Dan I swear-” He kept trying but I cut him off, more abrupt and abrasive now, wiping my eyes.

“How long?” I asked.

“A few months…” He replied, sighing sadly and looking at me. I nodded, starting to walk towards my bedroom.

That was the first night it happened, cutting my skin like I did before I met him all those years ago. The lines started appearing rapidly, leaking blood down onto my sheets but I couldn't bring myself to care. For so many years he had told me I was beautiful, he would never leave, together forever, right? Who knew forever would come to an end so soon.

  
The look in his eyes, the one of love and care, slowly went from being for me, to being for him. I remember when Phil met him. He instantly took a liking to him. At the time we were holding hands, I gripped tighter on his and stiffened. He was so pretty, strong jaw line, soft and thin figure, beautiful green eyes.

  
Tears are slipping farther down my face, the blade getting deeper in my skin. Him and Phil started hanging out, I recall. That’s when I became insecure. My weight, I had noticed it more. How my figure was so chubby, my stomach poking out, my thighs jiggling when I sat down. My cheeks were thicker, my eyes so boring and dull and brown, my hair so dry and stringy and dead and boring. Maybe I should have tried harder, maybe then Phil wouldn’t be slipping away, my thoughts said then.  
Doesn’t matter now does it? I mean...he’s gone. I lost him. Maybe if i wasn’t such a fucking idiot, maybe if my jokes were actually funny, my personality was actually good, maybe if my fucking face was somewhat attractive instead of dull and mundane, maybe if my body was cottage cheese wrapped in skin and if my thighs were thicker than my ego and maybe if my self esteem wasn’t to the floor maybe if when I talked I had shut the fuck up maybe if my voice wasn’t so fucking disgusting maybe if i actually had something likable about me he wouldn't have left. My mind is racing, my blade keeps getting deeper and deeper.

  
In the room over I hear Phil and him doing it, they’re doing what used to be intimate and loving thing in the world for me and Phil to do. It hurts worse, i decide. Knowing what was once mine, isn't anymore. I can’t believe I was so stupid to think someone as perfect as Phil would love me forever. I was that fucking idiotic. And for that? Maybe death is the best plan. What’s the point in living when i know I’m not good enough. I’m never going to be. All that bullshit about being happier over the years only happened because of Phil and now I don’t have him anymore and I just wanna fucking leave.

  
It hurts so damn much. After I found out, he started telling me how it was my fault and now the insecurities run wild.

 

“Why?” I asked him after days had passed, I was hurting so bad to know what had happened to make him do this.

“Why not?” he replied, seemingly unbothered by the state of pain I was clearly in.

“Why” I repeated.

“You ruined my life Dan. I only stayed with you so you wouldn’t be sad but eventually, i hit the point of not caring when I met him. Your drug me down, you annoyed me, you were bothersome and unfunny and you make bad choices, you’re pathetic and negative. I can’t have that around me.” he said, starting to walk out and I sunk to the ground on my knees, letting the tears slip down my face.

Their noises are getting so loud, I can barely hear the memories and thoughts in my head but I feel the blade press deeper until eventually it goes black, my thoughts are gone now, my sight is gone, and maybe, hopefully, I’m dead.


End file.
